On Some Days All I Am Is Overwhelmed

4-minute read
On some days all I am is overwhelmed. There’s too much to do. There’s too much I haven’t done. There’s too much I don’t understand though I know I need to engage in them. There’s too much I don’t know of what I do know and of what I don’t. How do I go on if there’s always too much? How to I trickle onto pages when waterfalls and tornadoes and hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis are happening all at once within me? How I trickle when the world outside is a storm and I have no protection from raindrops filled with daggers and winds stings like nettle and bees?

On some days I chose to fight back with silence and laughter, silent fingers quelled by moving pictures which have been confidantes who cannot hear yet speak counseling words to a fearful heart locked away from hope. Growing up it was much like this. I had no inkling of the stilled trickle only of the overwhelming intimidation of never being me. On those days, in those early days moving pictures were how I silenced fear. I didn’t know then that the balm of them was counsel too but I remembered and remember often what moving pictures do. They quell. They conquer. They inspire. They hold storms.

Last week was hectic. I couldn’t focus enough to write or read or edit. It happens on a fairly regular basis but thankfully it skips a week or weeks at a time. If I am honest I’d say it’s been hectic these last few weeks and I don’t even really know how long. I don’t remember the last time I wrote or exercised or ate enough in a day. Based on my mind and body its been awhile. My muscles definition isn’t there anymore but I do have constant headaches, tummy aches and the like.

I had a routine and I honestly don’t remember how I fell off. I don’t remember falling off. I just know that there’s no more routine and the old routine doesn’t feel natural when I try to engage in it. So it’s time to build a new routine, one which will be firm but flexible moving through the storm without being destroyed or lost. Will I fall off again? It’s very likely. But I assure you, I will always fight the storms within.

I might not fight every day or every week though that would be ideal. Some weeks I will lie in bed unmoving. Some weeks like last week I’ll watch movies and tv shows because it’s the most I can force myself to do. And some weeks I will be alert and wielding a pen though wounded, though weary.