At 9 years old I walked into a tailor’s shop. I’d done this many times in my life. (My family has always had clothing made. I never knew how much it made life simpler for someone like me with larger than life hips.) But this was different. It was my first graduation. A primary school graduation, rather pointless but still somehow important. A month before, the measurements for the dress had been taken and we were here to try on the dress and make small adjustments if necessary. But as I stood there, I could get the dress on. It turned out that I had stacked on about 9 kilograms. That big of an adjustment could not have been made. I decided to lose the weight. I had two weeks before the graduation. I lost the weight by going on a diet for the first time. The diet was me eating as little as was possible and drinking a lot of tea at night to combat the effects of not eating. I was successful but that opened the door to me using this method for most of my life.
At 16 years old I decided that I liked the way my body looked, checked my weight and made a promise to maintain that weight indefinitely. I was about 80 kilograms. I was successful for quite sometime. Since 9 years old, whenever I focused on my weight I would visit the scale multiple times of the day. I could tell you what I weight before eating, immediately after eating, and after a meal had been digested. I was on the scale a lot. I got rather relaxed about my weight at 18 years old because I’d partnered with my boyfriend on a business venture which required me to walk most of the day. After I pulled out I realized that I was almost 90 kilograms. I immediately went on a diet, and since I didn’t have a job or anything else to do. I resigned myself to eating one pack of noodle per day and Lying in bed. I lost the weight. But I wasn’t trying to fight the effects of not eating. I wasn’t drinking tea or water for that matter. When I tried standing to go to the bathroom I would blackout for a short while. Luckily the room is set up in a way that allowed me to not get hurt when I fell. It was a small room. When I got to 72 kilograms my mom said that it was too much. I stepped on the scale and thought I was fine. So, I began eating again but was cautious about my weight gain. I was able to keep my weight at 80 kilograms for several years after that. Until last year to be specific.
I was doing the old eat a lot but only when I feel as though I’ve been duly starved which means I would skip a few days. And then last year happened. I stayed with some friends in a village outside of Tomsk. I was fed extremely well. But as I worked on an overdue project I didn’t do anything else. In other words, my days were eating, and sitting before my laptop writing and editing articles, creating, editing, throwing out, and executing ideas. In that time I manage to get to the 90-kilogram-mark again. But I’d learned that whenever I thought I was fat I would subconsciously begin dieting or starving myself. So I didn’t think about it. I made an effort not to think about myself in that way. I thought that I would lose the weight by simply returning to my regular routine, which is eating irregularly. But after a years, I’m still at the same place. I walk irregularly as well but that hasn’t help.
When I returned home this year I had a talk with a cousin who focuses a lot of her body, and we broached the topic of me not wanting to lose weight but rather to gain muscle. And it was noted that one weighs more than the other. Now, being weighty with muscle is good. But I would rather weigh less.
So I’ve decided to lose weight. It will and already is a challenge. Simply eating breakfast is a challenge. Honestly eating in general is. I generally don’t fee like it these days. And when I do I want healthy option but you have to make those for yourself because people like meat, and a lot of oil and sugar in their food and it’s basically impossible to find place that delivers food that checks every box, and then that makes me also not want to eat. So I have to cook… I like cooking…alone…with no one around…in an extremely clean environment. I live in a dormitory. Where is this magically going to appear? It’s not…but I’ll find a way because I’ve only got until December 28, 2018.
The food isn’t all though. I’m not that motivated to workout because my energy and motivation are both low most likely due to my lack of nutrient-intake. But I’ll work on it. I also get bored easily. I worked out with weight for three months and got bored. So I’ll have to find engaging activities to keep me going.
I want to do this. I am finding it difficult to visualize. But I am moving forward nonetheless.
Tips and tricks are welcomed.