Sometime ago I realized that my leaving home has allowed me to grow a lot more than I thought or even dreamed. I am a big girl. I’m tall. I am also bigger than your typical model, or actress, which if I’m honest says nothing really. Those gals are petite. I am 5′ 9″ (179cm) and 196lbs (89kg). As such a mammoth being, which is how I felt due to my thighs being referred to as elephants, pythons, big things, huge, and massive, I was restricted from doing certain things, and expected to do others. The bigger you are, the stronger you’re expected to be.
For me this translated as being more masculine. Because I’d be expected to help out where others of the same gender and age were allowed to stand aside. I wasn’t offered the same kindnesses, because it was expected that I already had a handle on whatever I was supposed to do. I grew into this role, and generally don’t expect anyone do anything for me, and I also feel uncomfortable when someone tries to help me. It just feels unnatural…like having someone open a door for me causes a slight crawling in my skin. It’s not fear. It’s just discomfort. The discomfort has reduced to a slight crawling in my skin, before it was something else. I would hold the door for myself despite the person holding the door for me. I also felt insulted as wondered if the person thought I was weaker. So I’m making progress.
My size doesn’t come in cute either. In my world if you’re big, then you can’t be cute. You can only hold the title of “trying to be cute”. I got that a lot. But in Asian countries and those nearby “cute” doesn’t have that close of a connotative reference to “small”. Because of this I’ve been called “cute”. My actions, my words, the small things I do are freely described as “cute”. No one cares that I’m usually a tower in comparison to them, and carrying more girth. That for me is really freeing. I get to be weird…different in my own way. I get to be me. I get to create who I want to be because there is space to push in all directions. Because of this I’ve let more of myself out into the world. I’ve let more of more “cute” out of the doors. I’ve let my laughter be. I’ve allowed my humour to develop. Not everybody gets it. But that’s not the point. The point is that I’m allowed to make the path I’d like.
This freedom has given me a way to be my authentic self. There are no templates or set molds. I just do me, and whatever I do will be labelled as me, not as something that people with my characteristics share. I like that. Along with the freedom has come peace which has inspired me to become less angry and more open-hearted to others who I had damned to eternal indifference. It’s amazing how much this has changed me. To be honest it has left me with that feeling of just being human, not being a cute, mammoth, black, humourous, or any other type of human. I just feel human, and more accepting of others, and that for me is interesting but odd. I thought getting freedom would mean feeling more me, more individual. But some how by becoming more me, and happier I’ve come closer to the collective.