I’ve decided to stop holding perfection as my go to excuse. So I’m here. This post isn’t beautifully concocted or rehearesed, revised, or edited. It’s just me. I promised you, I promised myself that I would tell you my story, take you on my journey to being free but I wanted to do it beautifully. I wanted to tell you about my first experience abroad in such a way that you wouldn’t want to come to Russia, but instead would feel as though you had lived my life here. So I wrote thousand word drafts, re-wrote, rewrote, got approval, started re-writing and quite dismayed at the lack of in-your-face thereness put those drafts aside and let that desire go. I let all of my desires go…I’m on a path to becoming an entertaining research writer, in a place I chose for its research capabilities and I haven’t even tried to interact with researchs. I haven’t even tried to get into the world I want to live in for the rest of my life, and it’s beside me. I walk along its edges everyday and I never try looking at it, I try to enter. There are no doors, no walls, no roofs, just a field that I can enter at will…and I’m standing still on…a conveyour called life.
But while returning to this great big opportunity called Tomsk State University, I encountered an inspirational woman who first told me, one summer ago, that I could be loved just as I am. She asked me if I’d be ready to be known worldwide. She asked if I had a portfolio, something to show that I’ve been writing, something to prove that my world are worth their weight. Our conversation about opportunities, motivation, inspiration and hard work on that cold Monday morning in Novosibirsk has motivated me. Opportunities are all around me and I haven’t taken them. But I am beginning today.
I wrote a poem today, shared it with a friend, and then with Facebook. Now I’m writing this post and tomorrow I’ll write another. The next task is to do work on a long overdue paper, that scares me to write because I just think I won’t do it well. I’ve read this and that for advise but I feel somehow inadequate. But I’m going to do it…I’m not going to try my best. My best gets me in trouble…it keeps me back.
Here’s to being productive…and that’s truly my only goal for the next chapter. I need to learn to get things done.