The Next Step?

I’ve decide that I don’t want to date.

I refuse to compromise. So the only solution left is to walk my road, and to walk it alone. But I am lonely. I want someone who won’t just understand me but love me deeply. Of course I haven’t found that but I yearn for it: the look of longing that isn’t physical but emotional. I yearn to be missed for my intellect, for my passion, for my unique, my crass, my crude, my strong-will.

I want a companion whose dream is my own, whose desires are a reflection of my own without being identical. I want an individual who is individual.

I want the impossible it seems…so it’s good that I don’t want a companion, right? It’s good. It makes sense…but it just feels like it doesn’t. I keep feeling a desire to share my life with someone else. But I know my desire is entirely unrealistic. I know. But knowing doesn’t seem to help. Giving myself the facts, the downright truth isn’t being of much use to me. The numbers aren’t getting through. The words are falling on a mind that has long closed because it has realized that it’s desire to be two will never be realized. And though it knows that the greater desire will be realized because the lesser has been forsaken this mind has not rested. He still yearns for that creature that will bring a smile to the surface. He still yearns for a hand to hold, a mind to touch….a mind to share….a mind to push and pull, and be pushed and pulled by in return. He still yearns for a voice that connects. He still yearns. He still yearns for the whole that fits his own perfectly. He still hopes for synergy of mind, and body, of spirit. He still hopes. He still hopes…

I’ve decide that I don’t want to date.

The decision isn’t new but it has finally been settled in my bones that I don’t want a life companion and based on my religious beliefs sexual encounters are out of the picture.

But he(my mind) still hopes. I know finding the other whole is implausible…someone who puts up with my quirks, my anxiety, my highs, my lows, my extremes. Is my reflection really out there? If not then, I know it would be selfish to ask another human being to go on my journey. It would essentially mean leaving theirs, forsaking who they are for who I want to be. But what about that person what about their dreams, and wants, and deepest desires. Am I to steal another’s essence to preserve my own? Am I to inflict the pain I dread most on someone else…on someone I love? And if I compromise….what about me?

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