My writing is horrible. Not this, yet. But my other genres…poetry, short stories, those sorts. My ability has dwindled to the point where it feels as though he’s waiting to draw his last breath. He’s waiting because I’ve got him on a ventilator pretending that he’s living a vibrant life while his eyes are shut with his skin pale, and cool, and the only people who treat him with the respect he thinks he deserves is himself.
That’s semi-good imagery. But in my mind, it wasn’t an image. It was an emotion, a feeling. In earlier days when I’d just began writing again people were taken by the imagery used. They’d say how good I was at it, but I wasn’t really. Or at least I don’t think so. I don’t see described imagery as others do, so how I could I really describe it?
What I’ve always described in my poetry and short stories (which I allow others to read) are emotions. The dying man, was not seen by me. I felt I feel him trying to breath. I feel the lifeless air being pushed into his lungs as he remains still, not fighting. I feel him being ready to leave, but unable to. I feel him wanting to be here fully. I feel him being stifled by the air in his lungs.
I show emotions with imagery, not actions. To do this I conjure an emotion to the potency that suits the story, and then while embracing the emotion I take note of the sensory stimulation that occurs. Sometimes a smell visits, but usually the stimulation is visual. Holding onto both the emotion and the image it has stimulated I examine the latter to ensure that it is correct. If it isn’t, it is discarded or tweaked until it syncs with the emotion. These stimulations begin with that peephole effect in most case, and after some time fuse into a fuller image. However, on rare occasions if I have experienced the exact emotion as a respond to a setting I’ve witness before the image will appear as a whole, and I am left to inspect any other emotions that comes with it. I haven’t been able to do this.
Unfortunately since both the visual and emotional aspects of my writing are linked when one falters so does the other. Since I haven’t been able to conjure the emotions, I haven’t been able to effectively express emotions or show imagery. It’s been a really, really long time, and I am tired. At first I didn’t think much of it. I couldn’t do it as easily but I thought it was just because I hadn’t done it in a while. Then I didn’t get the emotion at all, and I thought it was because I was stressed. But now…I don’t really know.
Curl your index finger into the crock of your thumb as tightly as you can. Look through the small hole that’s left. Ensure that there’s no space between your face and your hand. This will not work with your spectacles on, so take them off. (I tried.) That is my view of everything that is described to me with mere words. It is an extremely small fraction of whatever is described. I see the table, not where it is. I see the doorknob, a section of the door, not what the door is attached to. I see the hand reaching for the doorknob, I do not see the doorknob now. Each is seen by itself, in that tiny hole with black filling the rest. I do not see words. Additionally, I never see faces. (The writers whose imagery is seen, are those which tangle their settings into emotions so that I can see how the place feels, and usually how the character sees the place emotionally.)
I want to write textbooks and research papers, things that are known for their lack of emotion. But that’s what made me a little different. I connect emotionally with the subjects, and write specifically to the emotional reader while giving the unbiased truth. (Or so I think). It’s also what inspired me to decide on those genres. It’s also how I remain balanced. Despite my intention to write in those genres it was always in the plan to continue writing emotional piece, because that’s how I breathe. If I can’t express myself how will I live?
That’s where I am…deciding how I’m to survive this lifeless air.